Dear Alison

What do you think about personal relationships at work? Do you like to work with your friends? Or do you prefer to keep the two worlds strictly separate? Either way, it's useful to understand some basic principles. Want to know more? Then read on…

Best wishes for the Christmas season.

See you in the New Year!

Kate

But We're Just One Big Happy Family!

Small and medium-sized businesses often make a virtue of being a 'family', or of being 'friendly'.

If we ask what they do in the way of team development, they often say, "Oh we do a lot of team development. We go out for a big Christmas lunch every year. In fact we're going out for one next week."

Or they say, "We sort out all our issues over a pint on our Friday pub nights."

Or they say, "We never socialise as a team. We believe in keeping our personal and work life strictly separate."

Which is Missing the Point Really!

Choosing to have a social relationship with your colleagues is a matter of personal taste. Some people like to, and some don't.

But you are paid to have a working relationship with your colleagues. How much time and effort do you spend on creating and refining that relationship? And, no, we don't mean over a pint at the pub.

There's a huge and critical difference between working relationships - which, as a professional, you must have and maintain - and personal relationships with your work colleagues, which you may choose not to have.

The trouble is, most people in business get the two confused, which can cause problems. I'd go so far as to say that people who don’t have much of a personal relationship often have much better working relationships than friends who work together. Why? Because they have to work at creating and maintaining them.

People who are 'friends' often rely too heavily on their friendship to see them through. And 'friend' communication patterns, however useful for maintaining a friendship, are often inadequate to manage and maintain the complex issues of status, dominance, leadership and calling to account that are needed in a working relationship.

Keep it Professional

There should always be a clear distinction between working communication and personal communication. You can have one or the other, or you can have both. But if you have both with the same person, you must learn to keep the two distinct, so that one form of communication doesn't 'bleed' into the other.

When you know someone really well, it can be easy to forget common courtesy and tact. If you didn't know them well, you would be considerate of their point of view - and in a working situation, you must treat your friends (or family) just as you would any other person.

If a friendship goes sour, you cannot indulge in emotional confrontations, at least at work. Discipline yourself to revert to simple professional courtesy, dealing with your 'friend' just as you would deal with anyone else. This can be hard when emotions run high, but if you don't keep your personal and professional lives separate it can lead to a lot of resentment and pain.

This may sound tough, but as a manager you are a leader in the workplace and will be seen as a role model. If you allow anger or emotion to overrule your rational responses, how can you expect others to control themselves?

Perhaps You Should Just Put it in Writing?

No! This is the biggest cop-out we see. A conversation is fleeting but your written words become part of a permanent record. If you must write, choose your words incredibly carefully, and state your case concisely without emotion. Read and reread emails before sending to avoid saying something that you regret.

Never respond to an email in anger or haste. Words can be taken literally and leave no room for interpretation. Cool off before responding. And if in any doubt, go and talk to them instead!

Poor Communication in Family Businesses Within a family, a typical response to difficult situations is to avoid them rather than confront them. This creates a breeding ground for bad feeling and resentment that can destabilise your business and risk your relationships. It also creates an atmosphere which is embarrassing and uncomfortable for non-family staff. And don't kid yourself that they haven't noticed - they have! You may spend more time with your co-workers than with anyone else in your life, and there is sometimes a thin line between what is acceptable and what's not. No matter how friendly you like to be, remember that first and foremost this is a working environment, and if in any doubt, err on the side of caution. If you'd like help identifying negative communication patterns and agreeing a new 'code of practice' for the future, we can help. Call Kate on 01865 881056 or email: km@shineconsulting.co.uk for a chat about how.